Welcome to My Parlour
by Badrang3
Summary: In a desperate attempt to ward off these girls who are falling into his world, an elf seeks help from an unlikely source...


"Hello?"

"Ah, welcome! I've been expecting you!"

"You'll have to excuse me if I seem tired. That's quite a climb."

"It keeps solicitors away."

"I see."

"Won't you come in?"

"Thank you, I'd rather not."

"Oh come now, what could possibly happen?"

"Well, off the top of my head, you could devour me alive…"

"Work with me here, I haven't had an elf in millenniums."

"I'm completely unsympathetic."

"How about if I just knaw off an ear?"

"NO!"

"Well, I'm not doing anything until I get something to eat."

"If you take this job, you'll have something. Something you've probably never tasted before…"

"Oh? And what is this exotic flavour that you speak of?"

"Humph. It probably tastes like warm summer rain, with an enriching aroma that makes all who smell it feel enlightened and pure, yet a slight bitterness of misunderstanding and sadness that no one can comprehend."

"…that sounds delicious, yet corny."

"And that's why I'm here."

"Do tell."

"Have you seen them? The movies?"

"Oh, yeah. I downloaded them while I was on the World Wide WEB! Ha ha!"

"That's not funny."

"Nonsense, I'm hilarious."

"Anyway, what did you think of them?"

"Well, I'm not too sure. The emotion of the book was kind of lost in the process of mass marketing it. And I hate how they portrayed me."

"Oh?"

"They make me look all ugly!"

"…what a calamity."

"You came off all right, though. They made you look like some kind of dreamy action hero."

"And that's why I'm here."

"Say what?"

"Ever since those films came out, something has been happening in the world. Something not quite right…"

"It's been alright here."

"That's because they don't come here."

"Who's 'they?'"

"These… girls. These women who just magically appear. They don't bother with you. They never bother with Frodo's journey. But they seem obsessed with me and Aragorn! They're always following, always watching…"

"Calm down there."

"Sorry, I've become rather paranoid."

"But wait… if they only focus on your quest, wouldn't they obsess over the dwarf and the other man too?"

"Oh please, Gimli is only mentioned when he's supposed to make some crude joke, or say something anti-elvish so the girl in question can rush to my defence."

"And Boromir?"

"Alas, poor Boromir! These girls, they seem to have gotten into their heads that Boromir is a chauvinistic jerk who is evil by nature!"

"But… the whole point of Boromir trying to take the Ring from Frodo was to show that it could corrupt even the noblest of men."

"Well, now he's just a mean spirited jerk who has it in for everyone."

"Weird. But all of that aside… I'm sorry, I'm not being a very good hostess. Might I offer you a fly?"

"…No, no thank you."

"How about an orc?"

"No, no, I'm quite alright, thanks."

"Suit yourself. As I was saying, aside from all that, what is so terrible about these girls?"

"Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard of any prophecy saying that a girl would appear and aid the world of men in the War of the Ring?"

"No."

"Did Illuvatar ever create a species that had powers that were the envy of elves?"

"No, the elves were essentially his brain child…"

"And who has the best singing voice in Middle Earth?"

"Sauruman. Every body knows that."

"Wrong! It's these girls again!"

"That's…dumb."

"Bingo."

"But… you said they just appear out of no where! Where are they getting these powers from?"

"Oh, they have ways of rationalizing it. Maybe there was a prophecy. Maybe they have a locket handed down through their family. Maybe they're actually an elf sent away by the others because they were all jealous! Who knows?"

"That's terrible."

"That's not even the worst part."

"You're kidding."

"When they get here, when they go to the Council of Elrond, and after they join the Fellowship…"

"Isn't it called 'The Nine Walkers' for a reason?"

"Oh, it's Ten Walkers now."

"Oh my…"

"After they join the Fellowship, they… we… fall in love!"

"What?"

"We fall in love! Me and this girl!"

"But you hardly know each other. Besides, shouldn't you know better?"

"That's just it! I can't resist! No matter how much I want to just tear away from this demon, I can't! And they never stop coming! There is an endless stream of girls, all who want to have their silly fantasies with me! All because of those movies! Those cursed movies…"

"Huh, I wish had your problem…"

"So, you see, I need your help. I need you to try to destroy these creatures that are tearing our world apart!"

"Me? Why me? Get the Watcher to do it."

"That's no good, the girl has the amazing ability to kill it single handed, thanks to the superb archery skills she's practised all her life. No, my plan goes like this: you're not supposed to be in my quest, right?"

"Yeah, I'm supposed to wait here for the two midgets."

"Exactly. But, if you were to appear suddenly in my plotline, there's a chance that this woman will be taken by surprise, and then…"

"Well, I'll have to set out the good table linen then."

"You'll do it?"

"Maybe. If I'm going to travel all across Middle Earth just to bump off this girl, I want some side benefits."

"I'll tell Sam to ease up on you when he arrives."

"Good. That little pipsqueak likes to carve me up pretty good."

"Well, it's a pleasure doing business with you."

"Anytime."

"Oh, and while I'm here, could you tell your kids to stop jumping the paper boy when he delivers the journal?"

"How about you tell the paper boy to stop calling them 'attercop.' They hate that."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Well, if ever you're in the area, just stop by for dinner."

"That's not funny!"

"Yeah, yeah. Well, see you later."

"Yeah, bye."


End file.
